An honest take on modern dating.

How have we as women made our dating life a living hell??

Today I sat in therapy, something I’ve doing for at least half a decade almost weekly, something that has helped me navigate the darkest (and weirdest) thoughts I’ve ever had. Nevertheless I wanted to share at which conclusion we have landed on today’s session.

In my adolescence and early twenties I have searched emotional connections that filled me with joy — the need of learning more about the other person, someone I can share my thoughts with honestly, have interests in common. The usual stuff, okay? I think that we can all agree that everyone is looking for the same thing.

The problem here is that there is a clear division in society, I will be as honest as I can about it. I am not the prettiest girl in the universe. But I know I am conventionally attractive.

How do you think I know that? This will sound black pilled but it’s the truth, I get better treatment from society because of it. It hasn’t been always like this to be honest, but I got fit early on in my life and I maintained it.

So I understand what being “ugly” is, no matter how much the body positive movement has advanced, being a size twelve when I was a teen changed me as a person. From an early age I have understood that being beautiful is what is required of you to become an acceptable partner. Specially if you are a woman.

I became obsessed with the beauty world — makeup, hair, you name it. I was dressed to the nines everyday, yet I still remained the same person inside.

I know you are wondering as a reader: what the hell does this have to do with modern dating? Well I am tired of it and I’ve came here to complain. This community has taught me many things… from coding to philosophy… yet I feel like no one is being honest about how the world has changed, specially in dating.

In a world built off instant gratification, dopamine hits, and endless scrolling. How are we supposed to find a suitable partner? What feeling does a like on your story evoke in you? Is it void of meaning? Just another man trying to make a move or maybe you feel validated.

It’s confusing as well… when you like my selfie what does it mean? Do you find me attractive? Do I take it as a compliment or what? Am I supposed to pursue a conversation? Is my mere presence a commodity to you?

When is it enough? I have spent endless nights thinking about this.

With modern technology you can basically become anyone you want. Plastic surgery, filters, tattoos, clothing, make-up… you name it. For a modest prize you can modify your avatar as much as you want.

Yet we are as empty as ever.

How does that relate to our connections as humans? Do the tech and beauty companies have the fault of it? Or do the users have the moral responsibility to understand what they are doing?

I think in a world of constant motion, we have to stop to understand how does this affect us, on a personal level. As women we are taught from a very young age that if we do the correct things we will meet the perfect guy sooner or later.

We are socialized by our communities to think that if we are pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, someone will choose us. Love us. Cherish us. Yet I have found out through my lived experience that this is not true at all.

I used to believe these stories when I was a child as well, I have always been a hopeless romantic, even when people mistreated me. I gave it my best, wore my heart in my sleeve and continued with life. I focused on improving myself, maybe I did something incorrect, maybe I could optimize it like a programming problem.

Yet I feel that the current way of meeting people is incorrect… through apps? they don’t want a genuine connection. Most people are not emotionally mature enough, do not have time or simply they have given up and are looking for a cheap alternative to escorts.

Dating apps have transformed themselves into a competition, something that shows us that we have value, a popularity contest. Their algorithms do not help either, research has shown that they give you an invisible rating and show you people within your attractiveness level.

Their users which most of them are male (around 80-20 is the ratio of men vs women) just like everyone regardless, I have seen it with my own eyes. They wait for a match and hope it becomes a date.

I have average male friends that could not get a date for their life, even giving it their all. Good photos, an interesting caption, talking nicely to the women in the app. They simply were not attractive enough.

On the other hand I also have average female friends who have been disrespected, treated like they are worthless and for what? A quick fuck? A hint of validation from a hot guy?

What is wrong with us as a society? Do external validation mean so much to us that we have to sell ourselves to the highest bidder?

I think that a dating app cannot become the way you meet people, it has to be through real life. But how, most people my generation think that a cold approach is weird.

Or at least I do.

Through friends? Maybe… but it could be awkward if it does not work out in the end. I have seen it happen. It gets messy real quick.

On a night out? You will only find someone that has vices, I’m talking about substance abuse. At work? Just an acronym HR.

So to anyone who is reading this, please share your insight on the matter, I will definitely read it.