Breaking the cycle.
Like in the myth of Sisyphus I feel like I’m constantly battling against something, once in a while the stone falls over to the hill of the mountain and I have to push it up again.
You might be wondering what am I fighting. Myself. Every day I wake up and try to improve my life. Step by step, I get closer to the goals I set every New Year’s Eve. Sometimes it’s hard to control my mind, but I hold the reins — just like a rider on a horse.
I can control some of what happens to me; on the other hand, I can’t control what people do to me. I learned that the hard way — like a mad scientist, through trial and error.
I’ve learned to laugh at the pain others inflict on me — numbing myself until their comments slide right off my thick armour. Do I care about what others think of me? Not really. I care about what I think of myself.
Radical Self Love is my motto in life. If you can love yourself enough that other people’s opinions sound stupid, you’ve already won half the battle.
One time I was on a date and someone called me boring. I was bamboozled… what do you mean? I’m the funniest person ever. I was shaken by the remark, so I talked to my therapist about it. She asked “Do you think you are boring?” A light bulb went off. Damn it — she was right once again.
Negging does not work on a woman who truly loves herself.
When I fall off my high horse onto the stone-cold ground, I get up and learn something new about myself — maybe I was wrong. I take time for myself, listen to a good song, and reflect by writing in my journal (here).
When the beast inside of me takes over, I calm it with meditation (or medication). I try my best to keep it behind bars, but sometimes the little lioness gets a paw outside. When rage takes over I let it engulf me, letting my feelings run free and wild — typing until it’s under control again.
If you have Bipolar Disorder, sometimes you’re going to be so manic that you’ll make mistakes you regret later. So I sit with my feelings until I’ve made a decision — maybe that way I’ll act normal for once.
It’s not just that… I take advantage of my manic episodes. They make me more productive, so I work harder to achieve my goals. I clean my house until it’s spotless, plan my next move and enjoy the ride. On the contrary, when I’m depressed and feel like the shadow of a human, I gentle-parent myself and try to stick to a routine. I auto-pamper so I feel less worthless.
This disease is easier to understand than you might think — it’s a tug-of-war against myself. Sometimes you pull harder; other times you loosen your grip and admit defeat. I try not to act so serious about having it. Do I have issues? Yes, but so does the rest of the population.
My disease does not make me special or important — it’s a part of me that exists.
When someone I love hurts me, I turn the other cheek and try not to overreact. The beast grows more powerful, but it works for me — I dominate my mind, not the other way around.
You need a clear intention with your actions, something pure that makes you happy. I call them goals. When I achieve one, a reward is due.
I’ve Pavlov-conditioned myself to like therapy, to enjoy my job and my teammates — filling my curiosity with positive things. A book, a piece of clothing I enjoy, maybe a programming course. It depends on what whim my heart desires that day.
I take accountability for my own actions. If the beast gets loose and I hurt someone, an apology is on the schedule. My friends and family are my anchor in this sea of uncertainty.
Respecting the money I’ve earned through blood, sweat and tears is of the utmost importance. I don’t waste it on vapid things just for the instant dopamine hit of consumerism.
Patience with yourself and others is key to dominating frustration and rage. Since I tend to overthink, I break the cycle by dancing.
Seriously, I play some music and rage dance until I feel better.
Doing sports helps a lot too. My mind clears, and the beast takes over my whole body. In that moment I’m invincible — and I use that to my advantage. I train harder and push myself to the limit until I can barely breathe from exhaustion.
In my depressive episodes, I force-feed myself… I don’t let the bio-machine go without fuel, listening to the cues it gives me. When I’m manic, I have to stop myself from eating the whole fridge in one sitting. I wonder, are you really hungry? This is the third snack in the past two hours.
I try to express my feelings through art, like this article I’m writing — since I’ve never been a good conversationalist. It’s all about maintaining balance in your life. Just like the Ying & Yang symbol, I’m one person split into two sides. The good thing is that every day I can control the duality better.
